States of Mind

In recent times it has apparent that the past says quite a lot about what the present, but how much does it say about the future?

Current times you see are looking back at what has happened and what needs to happen. It sounds a bit too philosophical, but what the mind sees and what we like to see are two different stories, what is outside and what is inside are never as straight forward as we like to believe. Its as strange as Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean saying "Up is Down". Well if you've seen the films you'll get the point straight away, everything is not always as it seems and everything always has more than one reason to be in existence. So why am I blabbering on like this you wonder?

My flat mate moved out Friday night, the neighbours are all moving (one of the things of living in private halls) and most of student Ville in Manchester moved out a long time ago just after the exams. So I spent a bit of Friday night talking to one of the night staff until 2am and I even got to try some of his really good rice and yogurt with the hot chilli mixed in (a bit too hot for me!). Mid night snacks are the best at the right moment, and this was certainly one of them.
--Warm evening, dry, remembering those events that have come by and gone again. Life moves on after all and we all move on. How quickly we can and for what reason is a whole other question.

So in the midst of this conversation over hot spicy rice, I started looking back on the year, which was fair enough. However, I suddenly realised I was in a very similar position to that not so long ago. In fact the exact opposite position, I was now on the inside looking out, not on the outside looking in. The fact of the matter is, whilst sat there I was the person sitting and eating with Ahmed having a good late night chat, with students wandering past saying hello and night night, when it was only last time I was at university I was in the exact opposite place. It was an old friend of mine (Miss B) who did do that exact same thing as a student warden. Bless her cotton socks she was really good at it too. I would wonder why does she do this, why doesn't she ever stop working and when can I drag you away from work and have some social time with you? Only the obvious answer in the end was, never. And an unfortunate bowing out and parting of the ways soon became very real with those loved and lost. It just so happens I keep in touch in passing. However, I now see a new version of what was going on back then. Except its completely different to saying "try putting yourself in my shoes", because when your thinking about what it would be like in there shoes and when you are suddenly in those shoes, the reactions, expectations, causes, returns and feedback all changes.

--------------------------------------
It's turning Theory into Practice
--------------------------------------

So in all this time on Friday night I'm thinking about the good times and bad times during the past and I'm also transported back into my own little mess. Why things could have gone so much better back then, if only...why we couldn't be different, why was I so awkward back then, if only I'd done this and that differently. But it's one thing reminiscing it's another sorting out those issues.

--------------------------
Can it all be forgiven?

--------------------------

Well who knows? I personally like to forget everything in the past. In fact it's become very automatic to the point that I've started forgetting things I need to remember specific details I should know e.g. for my coursework and birthdays. Its very annoying to not be able to remember every detail I need from a journal article. It's parrot fashion revision that's needed. Meanwhile, I know from too much experience that if anybody from the past does reappear I actually have a lot of frightening motions to go through. Like I said what's on the outside is not necessarily on the inside. After all I can't tell if I am me any more. If any of my classmates realised how soppy I really am away from the work they'd probably think I'm a different person.

---------------------------------
Is it just another cold war?
---------------------------------

We really shouldn't feud over the most smallest of details, but at the end of the day we spend our lives second guessing everyone in case they say what if, but what about that and well I thought. So in time as we get older and mature, we'll know how to handle these situations. But I for one am not willing to let these situations even start again, even with the agony of being very alone, I'd much prefer to be alone for the rest of my time than find I've got a cold war with some other person or group along the way. For all that seems to be happening is more cold wars. Putting out fires seems hard enough at times, and the smallest of infractions means I have to remain totally perfect, perfection is not possible and yet required- no wonder I'm in agony, one false step and the whole place crumbles around me. Having said this, once I'm gone everything runs on smoothly as it is and I know I'm not needed when I'm around so why do I have to be perfect in the first place? Why do I have to be like everyone else and why don't people like seeing things from my perspective?
Life moves on but our thoughts trade constantly (High Hopes). Am I right in thinking "Me Myself and Irene" has a slightly ambiguous similarity to this self patronising stuff? Oh well, in the end, you can ran but you can't hide.

--------------------------------------------------

All I want to do is escape this monstrosity

--------------------------------------------------

I guess "the future's bright, the future's Orange"
How many usable quotes can I fit on this article in one fell swoop. Along with the sarcasm and cynicism. It will work out one day. All you got to do is remain positive.

Listen to the wind blow, watch the sun rise, run in the shadows, damn your love and damn your lies. (FleetWood Mac, The Chain)

"I never started this mess, it just came with me."