Winters past before its come

It's been so long since I've been in here. Not really remember why I write on here, the effort the curiosity of other peoples lives, the blinkered-ness of my own maybe here, still its late and I am here to remind you and me, we are all trying to go somewhere, be someone or something and yet know we are just standing still right here.

There's a tale to be told, but its true its too late this minute to be told, the bed is calling the clock have gone back and an early windy and wet start for a train is meant to be here, I promise you I will have to work from home, and if I don't then something looked down on me and said ' here I give unto thee a  free ride with little issue, a car undamaged, a safe house and free passage to your place of work', just me this will not happen the sun will rise one hour early again tomorrow and I will have very little to add to my days existance, although the work you could say is important but nothing like the geography I once did, that held all thoughts together, I am just trying to catch up and be here...somewhere on this planet with you...

or perhaps I will just have to keep wandering this road of existance, for where ever here is, appears to be gradually shrinking.


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I will come back,
I will strike with avengence to put my thoughts back on the page,
where I can think,
to understand,
and once again believe my own thoughts,
"for whence I came unto this earth",
nothing shall stop my own beliefs.

I say unto the rest of you,
do not under estimate the sleeping dog,
I collect, archive, assess, analyse, correct and adjust,
I will find the answer and make right upon the land to which you destroy,
my soul is not for your pleasure, (nor mine),
but maybe I will give unto thee,
new found meaning to your lost cause,
a hope to your own demise,
to set me free.

Purple Prose? Time is short

And so, the wheel of time befalls us once again. We see the rise and fall of each passing season. Where trees stand for hundreds of years; men and women grow, love and die from the famine and tireless drive of the human race, in turn destroying the wonderous environment in which they both seat. The oak will see 400 years, multiple generations of one family, an eternity which started at the end of the last ice age. As we gradually make our way through, the future beckons us to live within our means, like bushmen before us, they remind us of our past and teach us the old ways that are new.

The Tree of Life (2011)
"The way of nature or the way of grace...you'll be grown before that tree is tall"

A humbling thought, for time is short. Are we moving on through blindly ignoring are surroundings, trying to hide our feelings from others to protect ourselves from the others who are trying to hide their own feelings and blindly treading on you.  

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye, and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? (Bible NIV, Matthew, 7,3-5)

Business communication for the personal life in a professional situation.

Isn't it just a wonderful day today. The winter is half way through, it's the weekend. The sun is shining. Everything is just spit spot, perfect and oh so la de daah.

Does anyone ever think how fraudulently they are with the truth of their own feelings towards others? When asked How are you? You're expected in many an office environment to say something that makes you sound good and capable. If you suggest otherwise not only do people not want to know that you are under the weather but also it's too much personal information for a work environment - or is it?

So, how are you?
I'm good,
I'm great,
Just fine,
excellent.

I mean if someone you asked replied, excellent, would you notice the undercurrent of hidden truth. On the surface smiles all around, life is just what it should be, but actually at a deeper level you know a lot is at stake, you worry about what is coming next and how to organise your next plan or project and stiffly profess to have everything under control. (I'm sure some do have it under control) how many people then go home and work every single hour to find the result they need to show how hard they've worked in "the same number of hours" as all the other colleagues.

This will in time take it's toll on the personality, drive them harder at first, before relinquishing the reigns and realising that actually it's not happening as planned and something is definitely wrong. This can for some be a sign of depression because those who work so hard to perfect an item try to fix there "mistakes" which are actually really good and so begin the downward spiral where you're lying to yourself about it and then the negative thoughts take hold.

In the meantime, as you tell people everything is just fine three things happen.

1, You are secluding yourself from you work colleagues because you have lied to them about your well being.

2, Potentially damaging your work in view of others because your colleagues expect such high standards and don't notice that your actually hurting inside. Everything after all is just fine. Even if it's a personal thing. If you went to work having been told of a family death. Would you be willing to put on the brave face and say I'm good, oh by the way I need Wednesday off for a funeral. Or would you not tell anyone why you've got the day off. (That would sound a bit weird wouldn't it, I'm fine, but I have a funeral. )
In turn secluding yourself from your colleagues.

3, People begin to realise that your just a face and don't show anything. You have no feelings or care, maybe you're an outright liar and should not be trusted, maybe you just enjoy playing the business politics and try to hide, when in fact you have just shown your cards - your trying to hide the actual answer. To stand there and be asked how are you and reply with a I'm good. Or:  


How was your weekend?  
Yeah, it was fine. But not mention of what you did. Did you sound like you meant it?
Yes, it was good, I think. Huh? what does that mean.
Yeeaah, it was alright. Not completely confident you had a good time or a bad time, trying to forget it existed, trying to dodge the conversation, trying to keep the personal away from the professional, trying to show it was good as can be (after all it is Monday morning and no once wants to be back at work so it sounds worse than is!)


Of course, if you turn up and say. No it wasn't good. Everyone listens and then doesn't want to know because its a professional environment, it's not a counselling service and you then recognise that some people will still stay clear of you for your the moaner in the office, or the one without a happy face.

What is so hard with being truthful about yourself, after all the business needs to know how your mindset may affect the business outcome of the day. If you're not good enough they'll make you do something else because you're not on form. And that's the crux of it, you need to show the face value to keep in the lead, one ahead of everyone else. When actually, everyone is in the same boat. The fake environment, the political gambit of using words to make things sound better than they are, to suggest the outcome without directly saying it, makes it all smell of rotten eggs.

No one actually likes it but we all play along. In the end those who really know how to play are never caught and those who are find new ground. Those who know how to play along may not even recognise they are because they line everything with enough information to sound innocent of it all and keep out of the this personal/professional nightmare by bringing you in without your knowing.

But then there are those who don't play and don't get dragged in and remain innocent and confident of it all, they are the ones you can trust because you know what they say means something. They don't have to play along because actually to these kind innocent people everyone else appears to be trying to get one over someone else whilst standing their ground in suttle forms of bullying.

By dodging this they don't need to get involved and leap ahead with their own way because they won't be dragged through this ridiculous thing everyone else plays and pays attention to. However, the final hurdle is when they have to meet people who play this silly front, can they take the strain or still remain above board, is this fake happiness and the conversations where you're reading between the lines be removed so that the real work can begin. Or is this this kind of atmosphere so acceptable that it should be listed as a skill and those who do not have it are seen as weak. How do you play your colleague at their own game? Do you accept this lie you're told or do you just not ask because it's easier not to ask. After all, everything is just fine in the end, whatever happens?

Don't think I don't notice the queue's and the lines and the pick up times. Its' been quite a while, the seasons are changing the suns dropping off earlier, the leaves are falling, the darkness is coming. The fresh mornings are here, the days are still warm but that stiff breeze has arrived to say "that coat on that door, you'll be needing that today". Typically warmer in the south of the country than to the north, yet the September mist is starting to drop its dew on the car screens, to make the commuters journey that little bit more arduous.

The setting of a brilliant summer and the long slog post August bank holiday weekend to the Christmas-new year break. The skies turned in the mornings hasn't it, you feel the change is coming. Our Jubilee filled, sporting bonanza comes to a sudden closing, the autumnal hue is beginning to show. The marching of time as we move from a life given to 2012 like no other has to close at some point. But we know were into the late stages of the year, it's too early to talk of 2013; still, the legacies, the reminiscence of what has been and for every shall be remembered, the music that brought us love and happiness, a new found friend, a new way to succeed in life closes.

From here on its down to us to persevere, to hope that one day, the feelings and memories we have of something in the past can endure, even repeat itself again. And in all too sooner time, it will. The spring will come, a new sporting adventure will start, a new party will brew to bring us all together.

When we look up into the skies, what do we see? The stars falling, the galaxies rotating, the universe expanding. Why are we here? How long do we have (?)...if you dare to take a step back from the fast pace of life and note the little changes, our time here is precious and enjoy it we shall try.

Coming from me, a relatively dour and pessimistic outlook on life you could say it's all a bit rich really, but if I don't make you think about what you're are doing just remember three things. We all got a ticker ticking, we are all walking this route, we all have our Green Mile to the next journey and dead poet within us to make us go. Spirit yourself from your chair and get out there. The smell of fresh air, the new school year, people are bossle-ling around to get the jobs done before the end of 2012. The nature though, is beginning to wilt, to pack itself up for a winter. Where in March-April, it'll defrost and spawn a new summer of fun.

That doesn't mean to say pack up and hibernate yourself, there is plenty of jobs, Halloween, bonfire nights and trips to make before Christmas kicks in. Festivities do not end just because nature is shutting down, the grass and shrubs will still remain green, the mist will become your morning friend to pally up with your morning tea or coffee as you commute down the slippery drive which will inevitably ice up, bring the skiers out as soon as the first snow lands to turn the multi-coloured outdoors of summer potted plants into that cold, yet warm feel of winter joys.

I'll still be with you, standing in that queue, murmuring about the one liners people say to each other and the pick up times- from bus rank to doorstep, from pub to eatery, from friend to soul mate. In the mean time, look up at the stars and notice the beauty that is hidden beyond our own Milyway, we are here, and that's all that matters. Time will turn on the axis and we will be wrapped up and cocooned in the summer of fun.

Uncompleted Tasks in Revision

For those who have seen my right hand page of information, a little box marked "Uncompleted Tasks" listed as items to progress on in life after my Destiny post (it's like writing by looking back on previous posts week) the list needs some detail towards where I have gotten too since January 2011.

The list stands as:
1. Tennis practice: notably the service;
2. Piano practice: strengthen left hand;
3. Cornet practice: Complete Grade 5 and perform with orchestras;
4. Music Theory: Grade 5;
5. Geographical Professionalism: attain high understanding and teaching abilities;
6. Cycling practice: achieve long distance stamina and pace.

Currently, I find my Tennis practice and service better after joining a local Club in May, I needed to escape from the day to day grind of work, this unfortunately means cycling over the years has had its moments but currently out of action. Musically speaking similar, I am more attuned to it of late but still no where near ready to go back to it yet. As for my professional life style I have achieved another professional level and broadened my knowledge and skills in a number of areas so that's going well.

Only thing is no one appears to be giving me any positive vibes about any of it, so am very much alone and not feeling worthy of any of it, I got told today that I should be more willing to do stuff, I can't help it if I'm persistently tired from all the work related stuff and Tennis (in the rain no less!) My week is a bit small but shattered from it, I positively lack energy for most things, not helped when told I'm not doing as much as I could be (when apparently fighting against the rest of world to do their bit so I don't have to pull everyone else along cause they don't want to).

Great. 

I do all the behind the scenes stuff no one appreciates, I do all the jobs no one else likes or finding I have to sort other peoples lives out, which is all well and good, I enjoy helping others, but then they ask what I do with mine and they don't realise I've spent hours on other peoples lives too.


Sanctuary: Alex Clare

"Brush off the ashes and walk away"

Out their among the stars we live and breathe as one, as a group. We still return home sometimes in glory of a brilliant day. Sometimes we return wondering why we have done anything to be of a worthy cause, have we progressed or made a difference to someones life today. Without the connection to the many strangers we meet in the day a loneliness forms, enveloping your soul, cutting you from the norm of society. The lack of social interaction bit by bit takes its toll, removing your most fundamental feelings. The enjoyment of life then comes to a stop, replaced by the autopilot program of going from A to B and doing tasks C through D. It is quite easy to go through life half a sleep if your not willing to look beyond the routine we are continuously sucked into.

Fly Me To The Moon: Anna Ternheim
Of course if we still stand together, divided, our hearts will fall. The moment we think an achievement or accomplishment may have occurred. Someone is prepared to turn the corner and put you down, that person, the one person always prepared to play the pundit and wittingly or not hurt you deeply in a way that can not be shown to anyone. It is then that you note just how hard it is to live a solitary life style where finding someones shoulder, to find the human contact and emotions is the only way out. No pillow or teddy bear will do and sitting in front of the TV watching old films waiting for the day to get better just will not do.

Make It On My Own: Anna Ternheim
The only thing that consolidates all this is that, tomorrow maybe better, seeing the blue skies, even with big rain filled clouds, looking out at our surroundings puts you in a stead fast position that something bigger, something you are part of even for a short while is happening and what lies beyond is anyones guess. The only thing is that is a depressing thought in it's own right when the future can appear to be easily wished away, there is not enough time in life to stop and see, just get on with the daily grind. Yet, what is not known to children is a long sense of history to the adults. Where eighty year olds see a life lived only a short spell of time has past for the new generation coming through in their teenage years already living - potentially - the best time in life. What exactly keeps us young, and how do we make the contact we need to keep enjoying each day with someone beside us, when we continue on this path very much alone, questioning why friends disappear over time into their busy lives of of the day by day grind.

Is it really social connection or a buzz out of life that were after, what makes us enjoy our days, stuck in an office all day, travelling as far as the park and back at lunch certainly not the most awe inspiring time in life, but then living on the edge by changing jobs every three to six months and moving around the country makes up for it. Just settling back down and socialising in the community is hard and different from changing things up more frequently. To Be Gone: More of Anna.


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I forward you on in kind recognition to "Malleable Reality" where the posts At the End of the Day and Giraffe in a Box have also covered a similar variation of my theme above, where looking out to make our lives better can be done if given the chance to jump for it and the closure of a day resembles another step in our lives.

For a wet Sunday morning, where April has lived up to its expectations of April showers, we have now entered the wettest drought. According to the news, this is something exceptional. l Pointlesss I say, with respect, as a drought is completely different to flooding. So when they talk about flood in drought's, remember the water is hitting hard ground, that is easily taken away before entering the network system we use to supply our taps.

For a wet sunday morning, I felt the urge to go for my walk, I like walking, I found myself wandering my quintesential middle class town that homes a great number of jobless people these days. The split personality it struggles to cope with and portray, gel the two 'factions' together, this means that for a wet sunday morning I was able to wander around and find new places of green space, streams, and giant old oak tree's. I long for the days of walking back through the forests and woodland's where we once stood proud. Where we always did see so much, for the rain displays a new picture, every leaf heavily laden with water, bowing; every branch with a dribble rolling along it.

Let the rain fall and let grass grow green. No need to cut the grass for cutting it increases the grasses need for water, it is a weed it will cope without cutting and water for sometime. It would be a weed if it wasn't for the fact it's looked after and delicately handled - then the kids play on it.

As you can tell April has come and gone, now May has arrived.

I went to the New Forest and the Isle of Purbeck, I managed to get two out of some 145 photos absolutely spot on without editting. A few others are pretty good but slightly white washed in places. None the less pre editting - my little digital camera (which is an understatement for its abilities) over the May bank holiday worked very hard.