Saturday, 2 January 2010


A new year has come upon us all and now we should be thinking forward to what we would like to achieve in the next 365 days. Many people I know will have made themselves a new years resolution, and will try to keep to it. Some will slowly fail at this and re-issue it for lent later in the year. others will hold fast and make there resolution work and succeed.

Now I was never one for resolutions, mainly because I could never make them stick for more than two weeks. Or the idea I had was never going to work because it required some greater authority to help me- and I don't mean God.

Alas I was lying there in bed wide awake having seen the new year in and realised by resolution(s) are the same as the past three or four years.

1. Remain positive,
2. Be motivated
3. Do more exercise and feel alive
4. Make time for friends and family to bond better

This all sounds feasable doesn't it. I promise you that in two weeks time, I will be just as depressive as before, lack the motivation I had as a teenager and feel down right ready to forget all and plan my death. For the sake of this planet and my wanting urge to live in a bushcraft style way (adjusted for modern age) I see no fit for purpose. Still I will plod on through the year, finally complete my Masters course and hopefully (or more to the point I will have and need) a job.

What is the point you might ask in doing this resolution? I just want to feel alive. As the saying goes, "whats the point in living if you don't feel alive" (The World Is Not Enough).

And the point of quitting... its easier to live in hell.

Now away with the fairies, we better get on with some work or January will not be an easy ride to complete those essays.

Fair play. Workaholic, I'm not. But I do like it occasionally. Unfortunately like everything else in my past, it comes and goes with time. I do not have that same urge to learn, it seems to be getting harder to learn. And it seems to be harder to keep people happy, so I just work, keep myself amused by work and whatever nonsense I find when I have spare time, and hope that it doesn't leave me for good. This is because at the end of the day however hard the work is, however annoying I find it at the time, it always brings me back, I always want to go back, yet its slowly kicking me out.

It's time I opened the Whiskey and found the bottle was useless. It's time I got a grip and stopped feeling like the insect in my family who always put me down and made them respect me for who I am. It's time I found a person to believe in, look up to and say I could be like them in ten years time. Unfortunately, I have found that believing in some adult, famous TV actor, teacher, lecturer has never worked... and the family, has no body in it who are happy, everyone is just dam right miserable.

So there is always a lot to contend with. One day I'll prove to everyone how good I am. But until that day, I am forever at the bottom of the heap, I used to be the first one to help, the last one out making sure everything was done, I'd take care of everything help everywhere and anywhere, I was just capable of doing whatever was asked of me. Now I'm one whose been forgotten because the jobs I used to do for everyone have been taken away from me and I am just a redundant extra person who no one really gives a monkey's about. I'm expected to climb the ladder on my own...

When you're in a hole and you try to climb out its hard. with no one to help, you need your own skills, a perfected level of survival to just keep going, a way to deal with people who bully and take the mick, know how to handle banking, shop attendants, managers, colleagues, class mates, friends, family. I have no more motivation to care- which is why its on my resolution list- I need to care, I do care, but no one sees me for who I am. There is nothing left, I just have to keep plodding on and hope I finally break free from it all.

I want to Break Free from:
1. Put downs by family and friends
2. Controlled aspects to life. (E.g. Freedom is wanted, see 3 related)
3. Not being given the time to do my social things (Cycling and Tennis- although work takes a lot from this, I have little spare time)
4. The feeling of needing somebody with me all the time. I am me, and I can do this on my own...nobody comes to my rescue, so I should learn to rescue myself, stop being lonely and just get on with life...except I'm the idiot these days.

According to my grandparents it turns out my cousins got the brains, wit and self believing attitude. Clever, brainy, forward thinking, luck I got the remains. (Given they do have some minor psychological issues like ADHD and dyslexia. So I am still the idiot child in the family. Why do I bother.

Is 2010 just going to be a repeat of the last year and a half? Who knows. I'll see what happens.

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