Everything is going to be OK

Or is it? Walter is a hopelessly depressed man.

It might not have hit the cinema like other big films but it makes you think and feel, and you will empathise with one of the topics, characters or all of them. As is the case for me.

"This is a picture of Walter Black, who had to become a beaver, who had to become a father, so that one day this might just be a picture of Walter Black." (The Beaver, 2011)

Painful Thoughts?

On Friday the power went off. We've been having particularly strong gales and wet down pours this week and Friday finally saw the power go off. This is by no means uncommon for us when really bad weather hits. Somewhere between the powerstation and here is a weak link, it has regular issues, and is probably not helped by the lack of technical update in the area.

So Friday saw the power out from 1500hr till 1900hr. It made for some interesting times, no heating in the freezing cold (wrap up warm) cooking dinner on a camping stove and the fire box in the lounge newly lit, and lighting the place by candle and torch light.

It made for some interesting bits of time as nothing else could be done, were so plugged into electricity, its almost impossible to do anything without its aid. So with the power out I began to notice the need for keeping life much more real and away from this electrified life style.

According to an article I read today "people spend 'half there waking hours daydreaming'". This is somewhat worrying - how does anything get done? It was also kinda funny in places too although quite serious in retrospect. I certainly found myself daydreaming more and coming back to earth away from the fast paced life that electricity holds over us on Friday.

It's always a bit novel to have no electricity for a little while, makes you stop and think about more real things, tell stories that don't normally happen and make do in a way thats not shown because routine as we know it is taken for granted. (It's a shame it didn't happen on Halloween, it would have been really spooky to sit under candle light telling stories). It's also a shame that we are so unhappy and we set ourselves in a world of day dreaming in an attempt to avoid our tasks.

Well we can't concentrate all the time. What do you do when your lying in bed waiting to drift off to sleep? Thinking about jobs and tasks doesn't set me off to sleep.

Does that mean I'm unhappy when I go to sleep?

*Post Script: Writers Island 'Quandary' happened to fit well to this. It seems I am in a quandary, don't you think?

Thought Bubbles - Now, forever, and the past

Photo by Nathalia Suellen: Forgotten and Never Heard

Ok, so I've been holding back on blogging recently with all sorts of job hunting stuff I have to do, but it doesn't mean I haven't been writing my odd bits and bobs down ready to go out once I've drafted them out neatly.

Well, I say that, but I had to advance this item passed the others (which are taking more time).
Firstly, I was on my wanders today and a friend mentioned flash backs and nightmares. Which set me thinking about the past which had already been on my mind, evolution and change... these last two particularly because at the moment some landscape gardeners have arrived, and today day one (I will hopefully create its own blog, its got about 60days) will have radically altered a small patch of Berkshire that was once and forever the same way for quite some time, most likely 10 years or more...and now its all gone, its being felled as I speak, and so the world goes round and this small place has yet been redecorated for more normal outside wonders than invasive species.

Secondly, I came across some music which took me back way too long ago. I spells from hearing some music and trying to find out whose it was. Well I have failed on the original, I think it's from an advert but I found something more interesting.

Given, websites that play music in the background tend not to be the best sites, I feel compelled to mention Nathalia Suellen who has only recently started producing photgraphic material, and is very compelling. Further her pictures have inspired Vladimir Agaev, who has composed some short classical pieces mostly of piano concertos. A promising start for a young man from Russia.

In a tail of twisted thoughts in this tracking of music, I ended up searching high and low only to end up with Jan Hammers' Crockett's Theme, which really did take me back in time.

All those times we relflect and day dream about how we miss our loved ones hurts. Sometimes we want to go back but, I found it only hurt, you can't fix or have back what you've lost. The strange thing is, Crockett's Theme reminds me of a time when all I wanted to do is fly, I wanted to be up in the sky, have that uplifting sensation. I wanted to be thrown around the sky, I wanted to be up there photgraphing the world below me and travelling as fast as the wind, I wanted to be filming helicopters and aeroplanes as they flew over hedge rows. But this is unlikely to happen, and so I remind myself that if ever there was a chance, I'd take it, I'd fly away with whoever she was...but if only this were true.

You see, today, whatever the past is, the present can only help correct.
The future we hold only tentatively in our hands.
We must keep hold of our nearest and dearest,
for one day you and they will not be here.

Burning Out

So there I was lying in my B&b when I heard some darkened music playing down the hall way. I was instantly wondering what was going on, through the walls it sounded muffled to give it an even more eerie feel. I said to myself I know that theme music, how sad was I to know it. How sad was I to realise that what the next thing coming down the corridor was an unwanted guest, or so my imagination let me see it that way.

Just as the sun dropped over the the line casting the long shadows away and leaving not only a still summer warmth, the sky remained red in the tops of the clouds. I was reading some material in my room preparing to settle in for the night, it was 2230hours nigh on. After hearing through the walls the repeats of Law and Order Criminal Intent from the neighbours, well the music at least, it got me creeped out, no longer sounding like a bad version of Land of Hope and Glory (See for yourself(CI)). It didn't take long to start wondering what was going on. The B&b manager was still cutting his tiling in one of the bathrooms. Soon I heard the clatter, the front door bell went and all went silent for a moment before an extremely loud radio could be heard playing Moby Honey.

What was going on, you have to wonder some times. Through the walls I could here this music getting louder and all I could imagine was some strange scene out of Lethal Weapon 4 at the beginning, even though I was sure no one was coming to kill me with a flame thrower. The guy with the radio on his shoulder, the music keeping him happy as he came in gradually burning the place down like it was a game of chess (meanwhile listening to Moby: Find My Baby- which always sounds to me like burn my baby), planning moves to not get caught in the fire and yet twisted with the sun dropping it wouldn't take much to think of a modern American Western as he stalked back off with the radio playing on his shoulder holstering his propellent.

So there was all this curbuffle going on in the hotel as the radio got turned down and then off. Maybe I would finally get some sleep. Only the original TV program was still playing. There was only one thing for it. Replicate the sound with something equal (Pink Floyd: One of My Turns or Is There Anybody Out There), had all the background for Mrs Bancroft to scare the loud radio man. Unfortunately I had no courage to do it, the radio man wouldn't get the cynical joke.

I would only see the funny side of it, the clash of non-descript music which I had heard through the white walls, B&b styled basic furnishings, the eerie sounds of all of the above coming towards me had left me in this hollow cavern of 1980s, sunset going gone, cowboy radio man coming in to burn the B&b down before I could have escaped across the Channel to sanctuary. It's never been easy I said to myself. Working for The Invisible Force was never a game plan, a faction of the Intelligence Community. So I thought to myself this one time: I'll escape this lot and go undercover of my own soul (Paranoid Eyes), instead I'll stop looking back in the past and take a new look...
...I stepped out my door quick, grabbed the radio man's stereo changed the CD up to Moby: Why Does my Heart Feel So Bad? turned it up to full and walked on down the road with the sun glinting just enough off the sea edge. I made for the Channel, the boats were floating around in the distance. I decided to head for where I left a previously good life, some where to care about. No more of these mysterious factions, strange mirages of the past. I could live without all of you. A new life a new beginning, all that I needed now was someone to love, but that could wait. First I'd travel. I'd be the lone ranger walking in and walking out, holding my head up high and not caring who said what about who or what. I was going to escape and in full sight of everyone, yet under disguise. What a double meaning to the end of that life style.

Hold on to the Dream

It's been a busy few weeks. So many thoughts have come and gone, and so many remain unsolved. Stories within stories keep formulating. Seems so much has been going round in circles, but one thing keeps happening time and time again. The same old words 'hold on to the dream', keep reoccurring. Many a time, rather alone, or with just too many people the highs and the lows are formed of each day. Too much company, the right company, you know when you're on to something. Holding on to that thought though seems to be harder everyday, but as always hard work, long days, and a good bond between friends and teams always makes it worth just that little bit more.

Alone, you look back, as Ray Mears has pointed out in an episode in Belarus, an old native motto says whilst you look back and feel the pain, you remember the reasons good and bad and remain blind in one eye. If you don't remember the past, ignoring it, you are blind in both eyes. It's important to remember at least some things, even if it can be grueling on the soul.

It's going to be my Dad's 50th Birthday in May. Without being pessimistic, when I am 50, he will be retired and 77. Suddenly, life seems quite short, so whatever maybe happening it's important to get what you can out of each day, even if it can seem almost pointless sometimes. There is a limit to freedom, happiness and in this vastly busy, electronic driven society, it can seem like it all just fly's by. But look back five or ten years where were you? What were you doing then? Seems even in the darkest of memories of the past something good always comes out. These are the days of our lives. Who will remember, who will be looking our names up for a family tree? When the older generation has gone and we are the old generation, will we have kept the order and family connections together or will we still be on our own?

Hold on to the dream, whatever you want to do, go do it, because time's short. There's nothing like a perfect sunset...

The human mind: What do these pictures say to you?

Reflection

On now finding it is February, January had a number of shocking events in it I prefer to forget. January 2010 is not much different to that of many years gone by. Still when you realise that music is practically telling your life you have to begin to wonder. Music is a very powerful instrument upon society and can provide the mood and tell a story for society, history, love, and many other individual and group views that we see during the day. Music mostly associates itself with that of love and prominent views (quite often political) in current times.

Given that this blog is forever sucked into Pink Floyd, sometime I wonder if Pink Floyd has gotten under my skin to the point I just think and feel in its words. This I am glad to say I do not, this does not necessarily mean that I do not ever as when listening to them I can often look back on the past. The same goes for specific tracks from Tears For Fears and oddly enough Scissor Sisters. Karl Jenkins can make you cry if you listen to 'The Armed Man' Album for long enough, however whilst not necessarily delicate, Rammstein is by no means an easy listen being rock-metal. However they do have there moments which seem just right musically although the words are often not the nicest to translate.

Therefore, I leave you with these words from the Pink Floyd Album "The Final Cut" as at the moment it seems to set the correct tone for the current efforts. Especially the line highlighted in bold.

1

When you're one of the few to land on your feet
What do you do to make ends meet?
(Teach.)
Make them mad, make them sad, make them add two and two.
Make them me, make them you, make them do what you want them to.
Make them laugh, make them cry, make them lie down and die.

2

Sweetheart sweetheart are you fast asleep? Good.
'Cause that's the only time that I can really speak to you.
And there is something that I've locked away
A memory that is too painful
To withstand the light of day.

3

After the service when you're walking slowly to the car
And the silver in her hair shines in the cold November air
You hear the tolling bell
And touch the silk in your lapel
And as the tear drops rise to meet the comfort of the band
You take her frail hand
And hold on to the dream.

4

You put on your brave face and slip over the road for a jar.
Fixing your grin as you casually lean on the bar,
Laughing too loud at the rest of the world
With the boys in the crowd
You hide, hide, hide,
Behind petrified eyes.

You believed in their stories of fame, fortune and glory.
Now you're lost in a haze of alcohol soft middle age
The pie in the sky turned out to be miles too high.
And you hide, hide, hide,
Behind brown and mild eyes.

1. One of the Few, 2. The Hero's Return, 3. The Gunner's Dream, 4. Paranoid Eyes
http://www.pink-floyd-lyrics.com/html/one-of-the-few-final-lyrics.html

Living in a Movie

Experiences Part 2

I was talking about experiences the other day and then last night I heard this on the radio and remembered I had mentioned the same series a few weeks back called "Jon Ronson On ...".

This week is: John Ronson On Living in a Movie
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00pxng6

I found this quite a worry when listening to it, for I can understand what its like to have to live a world of treachery, lies and deceit at every corner, wondering who is your friend and friends enemies.

This particular episode goes into not just how people have lives which may seem to be only found in a movie, but the consequences of living those lives which always seem so good to us who watch them...

"I want your Fantasy"

Its a scary claim in many respects, so many people would like to be living the life of that portrayed in a movie. Many are action packed or romantic in genre, but others see a light in a most different of corners.

Have we all been sucked in to believing we are all living in the world of fiction... so many TV and film characters, especially those of the undercover police officer type (without wanting to stereotype) are portrayed as living on the edge, close to a thrill, brilliant at there job and working against the flow of the majority.

For example, if you read any of the Ian Rankin Rebus series, we learn of the music, drink and nightmares that travel through Rebus's mind as each crime is committed. As if the ghosts of the past are there to catch him, there to distil fear and upset him. A thought that is only in his mind, but still we can see the pain, and the after effects of all the things in his life's past.

Another example would be that of Proof of Life, when a man is kidnapped in a fictitious South American country called Bogotá, the family strive for his freedom. Meanwhile we see the process of what it takes to release a hostage from captivity.

With these two examples in mind, how long does it take before:
1. You start feeling your living a life portrayed in a book or film
2. You feel like the portrayed in a book or film
3. Begin the route towards schizophrenia or paranoid schizophrenia

The final thing to think about is the impacts this makes not just on your own life and well being, but that of those around you. How do you cope with such things? If you were really living the life of James Bond, would it really be as glamorous as that seen?

Experiences

Everybody has experiences. Good, bad and dreadful. Many make us happy others sad, some we wish to forget for both of those reasons. But, for whatever happens at the end of the day these things that change our lives change our own choices and personality in the most delicate ways. Some experiences change us forever, some change us very gradually and, unwittingly we realise that we have changed. Who we were ten years ago is nothing like what we are today.

But what we should always try to do is make sure we keep going. All we have to do is keep plugging at it and we will get there. This term has not even started and it is already fraught with necessities and worries. However, some what of the heavy mood swings of recent weeks I can say in some respects I'm getting back on track. I'm grateful for all those who stick by me, they know who they are, a few in Oxford, Epsom and Kent.

Given that so many things seem to be providing so much grief in different ways. I can only say a few things really:
1. Always abide by the rules
2. Music grips the soul
3. Never be afraid to speak the mind
4. Even if unbelievable painful, the past is one thing the future is another. Live for the day

Given my belongings are spread across the UK in various different lofts. I always find room to notice two particular things:
1. I have a quotes from all sorts of places, those are important and need to live by are within Survival, Bushcraft and a few more from Geography.
2. Which brings me to the second point, always be prepared some how for all eventualities.

Finally, just a word, I've been sitting here writing this whilst listening to The Division Bell (Pink Floyd), now before anyone says oh not more of that. It has a soothing capacity that is always capable of healing the wounds.

Therefore may I pronounce that whatever the experience might be, there is always light at the end of the tunnel and eventually however long it may take, we will always achieve what were looking for, always bounce back and get back to what we enjoy most.

This term is going to go very fast and lots of things are going to happen. Therefore, lets use it its full.

"Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise"

Whether this is true or not its something to consider. Suddenly the spirits are with us and we should consider not letting them down, we will find our way. Whether Christian or Buddhist, Pagan or Druid let us all believe in the future.

Dreams

I was first asked to talk about dreams just over a week ago, so I set to amongst the workload in finding out about dreams, "little did I know that" (Stranger Than Fiction, 2006) the whole week was going to be one full swing of a dream gone from good to bad and back.

Dreams are frequently forgotten, many people do not even remember having them. I for one don't dream, I only have nightmares. This is somewhat handy for keeping the nights short. Alas, dreaming gives the subconscious time to unravel itself whilst your concious and your body gets some time to re-cooperate from the previous day. Sleep by nature is a necessary part of life. However, once you are asleep many changes happen.

Dreams can be taken in many forms. Literal dreams of when were sleeping as said, dreams of what we would like to do e.g. as in "That would be a dream come true". This phrase comes close to the next form: a wish.

Dreams mean different things, these are all dependent on colours, the environment your in, what's going on in your dream and what you can see. Some believe it can help provide a que for what your subconscious thinks you should be doing in life. They can almost be useful for getting to know yourself more. There is a lot of information out in the wide world to help you understand your dreams.

So may I say make sure you have a good nights sleep, and dream away.