Wednesday, 9 February 2011
Come out to play - I said...
...Well that's certainly what it feels like at the moment.
Dragging of my feet is not what I like to do, but after so many years of realising that it's impossible to change anything in your life, I find it impossible (to write this) and ridiculious that for all the years I've spent saying we can make things better to so many people and finding enjoyment in so many ways that I find myself giving up altogether.
It all started years ago just as University began. I thought it new start, clearing out some of the horrible family times in my late teens whilst at school. I used school as a second home, did as many activities as I could and homework there just to stay away from home. Then when University started everything was fine, a bigger independence, a very quick entry at that of the ability to control all 24hours of my life no longer the issue of family saying where and when I'll be at such a place etc. It all sounds like usual teenage stuff, but when combined with a completely split family and a unhealthy version of paranoia, being watched. The freedom that University gave me was brilliant and I couldn't have enjoyed it more.
However, if it wasn't for the fact that through this brilliant view the cracks formed, I started noticing more people just saying stuff to get rid of me, to just smile and nod, or say things that you know mean they just can't be bothered... I found myself wondering, "what's the point if you're not going to care and help with this".
And so, I found myself in a downward spiral fighting against the strain, until I thought, "if you don't care I won't care", and so I made sure I put my effort in as needed and the people who didn't want to keep up I dropped along the way.
So by this point I'm becoming the very person I didn't want to be and horrible cretin who couldn't give a monkeys about other people. Luckily, I have enough energy left to make things seem perfectly fine when I'm surrounded by people and the fictitious "Everything's fine, oh I'm good" lines start to form a conceal the very fact that in reality all I wanted to do was crawl under the bed and have it all end. Que A Serious Man?
Now five years on, reality is that I'm very much alone, no one close enough to realise cares whilst those who know tentative take a back seat and watch in the distance as I gradually crumble on the inside.
A loss of stamina, increased sleep deprivation, loss of appetite, migraines to burn me up because some days I've done too much to compensate for the days when I haven't done enough (or anything at all) have returned with the balance problems.
My ability to understand the world shrinks daily, I don't feel like revising my notes because revision is a hard task, I have to program myself to do it, that takes too much energy, but I need to do it or I won't get the job I want from what I've been training to do the last five years.
Now I'm not even sure what I'm doing, I can't focus, I can't think straight and the one friend or two I want to talk to have there own issues and so are uncontactable. I am once again trapped by the fact I am semi independent of living with family (the part of my family that gave me more freedoms in younger years - for in the past the part of my family which held me back now seemingly provides more freedom (the situation has reversed), is that only because they are living at a distance - for when talking to people I'm always put down somehow. My own ability to voice my own opinion is undermined by the majority, whatever I say is wrong. Or I end up having to trend on peoples toes in order to get my point understood. Many would say my language skills are pretty awful.
Quite frankly, if the world ended tomorrow I wouldn't mind. I'm agoraphobic practically, going outside is cold, gloomy and requires energy to meet strangers I don't want to recognise anymore. This coming from someone whose spent his life enjoying the outdoors, the energy and stamina required to do exercise, get back on the bike is too much (and so is the persistent failure reply I get from writing endless job applications even if I make it sound absolutely wonderful). My muscles have given up, and I need to do exercise and feel like I get some decent sleep (all be it currently I get the most fabulous strange dreams from nightmares to being in an action film).
If the world was a better place, I wouldn't get a job in my industry, but then because no one cares about the sector in a high enough way I can't get a job, it seems to look after the environment is something only a small community do, which is not true! Many people are involved! In this economic downturn the only people winning are the ones who caused the mess, politicians just talk in lawyer spool to just talk for the hell of it. As for the rest of the place, it's not going to happen. Were doomed. The news is depressing, and family are depressing, friends help but I can't rely on them all the time.
That gets us to the other point, "in order to let someone recover from a bad time leave them alone", this is not always true, for I find I need to talk and there is no one for me I have burnt everyone I know, plus they have there own problems why would they want my inconsequential issues. Counsellors through out my history have never made things better. It doesn't help I know how they work, I can work my way round their questions these days. Plus they dig up stuff, do checks and can drag up history (or is that the paranoia again).
So in conclusion, every things grey, bleak and pretty awful, pessimism is my middle name.
I don't like who I am and it looks impossible to break free and be who I want to be.
I have no energy and no access to my bicycle to make me use energy that I think I might have. Being outside is ugly and walking doesn't take me far enough, using the car is a waste of valuable fuel for non important journeys and pollutes the environment!
I can't think straight and I'd prefer eternal sleep.
The worlds most certainly grim and I can't find anyone who can be happy just for a short time.
I don't know what to do, my independent thinking is removing itself.
So instead I lock myself in and wait for the better weather warmer days, when I should have been revising my material to use on the warmer days, but I am strained to think by the painful headaches, and permanently drained feeling. Really all I need is a good kicking to get me started again, but I can't be bothered to force myself to do that because I'm just put down by people 'who know best'. Does anybody really care?
Life positively sucks.
And sometimes when I don't catch myself I do the most stupidest of things, not quite what the photo shows but, I do misplace things frequently and put them in the most obscure of places. All to add to my madness of why I can't think straight and why I need to be so organised, (being organised to the virtual point of OCD, which hurts, so I don't do it and live in a different sort of pain where being disorganised screws me up more.