Yesterday I drove home, if only I hadn't listened to the radio, if only it hadn't rained at the Birmingham motorway service southbound on the M6. There I was having driven out of Manchester, an hour and half later I sat eating lunch with none other than music from Rent: Seasons of Love on the radio. You can often look back and say if only, but if you don't do something about your thoughts then what's the point on having that grief or happiness as you leave.
I find music often makes whatever emotions I am trying to hide come to the surface and often I find that the music I listen to takes me back to a past time. It's like reliving a memory, but so often in my state; nightmares are unleashed and all I wish for is to forget such memories. But I am forced to remember the pain of the past. Would it be a good thing if a machine really existed to wipe our memories of specific items (re: Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, 2004).
- There I sat eating lunch, the cold weather moving in, the rain increasing everything reminded me of journeys as a child to visit my grandmother in Loughborough. The smell in the air, the horrible clingy cold damp, the road trip, the food.
- I may say if only, but really, all I have to do is talk to you and see those big blue eyes and I can tell...you're looking straight into my soul; pulling out my hidden thoughts. If only I could hide them from you. But you knew; I knew you knew, if only we had said something at the time. Alas, I know its not meant to be...It doesn't matter. Mañana...tomorrows another day for all those if only's. Just for today, take the adventure with me.
If only I had done what it said on the tin,
If only I wasn't such a pain as a child to my parents,
If only I had cashed the cheque in time,
If only the bus wasn't late,
If only I had said something to that girl I met,
If only I had behaved that one day,
If only...if only you...if only I...if only...
It doesn't matter.