Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Playing Games?

"Run, cause once upon a time an antidote existed, but now... who cares". I don't like childish pranks, games that make everyone laugh at someone else's expense that might hurt them, or people who think they know who you are just by glancing at you. They rub me the wrong way. Its been a ridiculously painful day. Attempting to get the final assignment of 7500 words done, made almost homeless by the institution we live in because contracts expire and family options lack. Where do we go from here? Well who knows, trying to make the jump from university to the real world all in one is no easy feat.

Not only do you need a job, a stable income, but a place to live, a way of looking after all your belongings -

"call your local box storage company sir" -

and a way of keeping in touch with all those friends you've made over the years only to find that at the end of the day there is nothing. As always the way what plans were started are crushed, ideas mutated and dreams squashed completely into the distance. No chance of retrieval, no options for the next stage and a lacking chance for the remaining contactable. No wonder there's a sudden bout of depression coming on.

I found it annoyingly true, I said to myself, don't pack the CBT stuff up you'll need that. But I packed everything and shipped it to temporary family space - it will have to come back pretty quick, if I can find some where - only to now realise I would prefer to have my hands on it as the deepened worries, drained hours of energy take hold and make all possible sense of what to do and how to manage turn into a heap. The amount of energy I've exhausted, I don't want to play any more, who decided I was meant to be doing this anyway. Once away from university the academic world will disappear, nonsense will take over and the powerhouse of keeping thoughts going which has only gotten worse as energy reduces will once again be sent to some part of the brain that recalls it as 'the past'. You have to wonder why I bother doing anything, can't get a soul to provide enough adequate discussion on my subject - was insulted today as usual -

"you should know that you're a geographer -

my response kept to myself 'it doesn't mean I know everything, or can recall everything', along with a few further derogatory remarks. This is the problem today I find, technology is now evading me, children (half my age no less) are telling me the best way forward, wonderful no it alls are splurging information like they eat books for lunch, recall information to the exact point and page. I find my thoughts absolutely undermined, no one takes what I think in to consideration any more, I'm no idiot but everyone brushes past because I cant' recall simple useful information, its now all in there iphone apps or ready to hand by the nearest nerd. So you have to ask if everything is taken care of by everyone else, what's my place in this world any more.

Soon to be unemployed again, soon to be demoralised by social nitwits, and soon to have nothing better than my own nightmares. I should just jump off a cliff, it be so much easier. Just one thing, I yet to reconcile the issues of god existence. Can't die just yet, seems life is still too precious if no after life exists. It's only a matter of time though, someone lit my fuse and I doubt natures calling will take me first. No games here, I want out. When are things meant to get better? I'm bored with going against the grain permanently. Am I just too strange for the world to cope with? Why does nobody understand? I make it all very straight forward so why do people make it so much more complicated. I'm surprised I even care. Definitely depressed- loss of feelings and don't care. But then that sums up half the population, neither do they care or have time to care.

The thing is once I step out of line, I'm flagged up as the bad egg:

"Oh no dear boy we better get rid of you before its too late, we can't have people like you around".

Oh shut up and get off your high horse, I'm not a garden pest so let me be.

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